How to Get a Mentor: Who to Ask and What to Say

Where to Find a Mentor

In our view, a mentor is someone further along a road you want to travel. Our rule of thumb: be able to say in one sentence what you want help with. "I want to run a team within two years" counts. "I want to grow" does not.

How do I find a mentor and why is it important to have one? Look close before you look far:

1. Your own network: a former manager, someone two levels up in another team, the person who has the job you want in five years.
2. Alumni networks, professional associations and the women's network in your industry.
3. Your company's mentoring scheme, if it has one.
4. People whose work you follow, when the question is specific and the ask is small.

Peers count too: two people at your level elsewhere can tell you what normal looks like. We recommend two or three mentors for different things.

How to Ask Someone to Be Your Mentor

How does one go about finding and selecting a mentor? Not by asking "will you be my mentor?" That is a commitment with no shape, and in our view shapeless commitments are easy to refuse.

1. Ask for 20 minutes about one thing, and name the thing.
2. Make yes easy: offer two times and promise to keep to the clock.
3. Bring two questions and one thing you have already tried.
4. Act on the advice within a fortnight, even if it is only a first step.
5. Thank them with what you did. "I tried it, and here is what happened" is the message that turns one coffee into a relationship.
6. Ask for a second meeting only after you have acted on the first.

In our view a no is usually about time, not you. Reply with thanks and ask who else they would suggest. If a small voice says a senior person's time is wasted on you, that is imposter syndrome talking, not evidence.

How often? Our recommendation, not a research finding: 30 minutes once a month while you are working towards something specific, once a quarter otherwise.

Why Getting a Mentor Is Harder for Women

In 2025, women were 47.1 percent of everyone employed in the United States but held 41.8 percent of management jobs and 33.0 percent of chief executive jobs. The higher you look for a mentor, the more likely that person is a man. And the 2025 Women in the Workplace report found only 93 women promoted to manager for every 100 men, 82 Asian women and Latinas, and 60 Black women.

Herminia Ibarra, Nancy Carter and Christine Silva reported in Harvard Business Review on a Catalyst study of more than 4,000 MBA graduates. More women than men reported having a mentor, yet the women's mentors had less clout, and by 2010 the men had received 15 percent more promotions. Having a mentor in 2008 predicted a promotion by 2010 for the men but not for the women. Their phrase for it: overmentored and undersponsored.

A mentor talks to you. A sponsor talks about you. The gap is still there: the 2025 report found 31 percent of entry level women have a sponsor, against 45 percent of men at their level. The first step up to manager is where the same report found only 93 women promoted for every 100 men, as our promotion guide covers.

If the person you want to ask is a man, know this: a 2019 LeanIn.Org and SurveyMonkey survey, reported by CNBC, found 60 percent of male managers said they were uncomfortable with ordinary work activities with women, mentoring included. That is not yours to fix, but it shapes the ask: a work question, a meeting room or video call, office hours. When the person is a woman, she is likely to be in the minority at senior levels (33.0 percent of chief executives), so in our view make the ask smaller and the thank you louder.

Do I need a mentor at all? In our view, not to do your job well. We suggest looking for one when you are about to make a move you have not made before: a first management role, a change of field, a negotiation.

Should my mentor be a woman? Not necessarily. In our view, a woman who has done what you want can tell you how the room treated her. And a man with influence can, we think, tell you how decisions get made and, as a sponsor, help change one.

What is the difference between a mentor and a sponsor? Lean In defines a sponsor as someone other than your direct manager who actively advocates for your career advancement or creates opportunities for you.

What if my mentor crosses a line? Name it once and move the relationship back to work. Our guide to boundaries at work has more. If it continues, or was serious the first time, tell your manager or HR and keep a note of dates. The EEOC describes harassment as unwelcome conduct based on sex, among other grounds, that becomes unlawful when enduring it becomes a condition of keeping your job, or when it is severe or pervasive enough to make the workplace hostile to a reasonable person. Whether yours meets that bar is for the EEOC or an employment lawyer to say.

What to Say: Scripts You Can Copy

The cold message

"Hi [Name], I've followed your work on [topic] and I'm stuck on [one question]. Could I have 20 minutes on a call in the next few weeks? I'll keep to time."

Through a shared contact

"[Contact] suggested I get in touch. I'm working towards [goal] and she said you did exactly this at [company]. Would you have 20 minutes for a coffee or a call?"

Inside your company

"I'm hoping to move towards [role] in the next couple of years. Could I book 20 minutes to hear how you made that step?"

The thank you

"Thank you for Tuesday. I did what you suggested and [what happened]. I'm still stuck on [question]. Could we pick that up next month?"

After a no

"Completely understand, and thank you for replying. If there's someone you'd suggest instead, I'd be grateful for a name."

Mentor to sponsor

"I'm putting myself forward for [role] in [month]. When it comes up, would you be willing to say what you've seen me do?"

Naming a crossed line

"I value your advice and I want to keep this about work. Let's keep our meetings to the office and to office hours."

In our view, a mentor can also be the person to test your number with before you ask for a raise. Start smaller: write down one name tonight and send the 20 minute message this week.